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I looked at you. You where buttoning your dress up, looking at me. It always amazed me how you could multitask. You told me it was> easy to multitask, but I could never do it. You’d be on the phone and then just start to write. You always did love to write. I’d always find you writing something at night just before you went to bed. You always told me to read what you had wrote to make shore it was ok. But the thing was they weren’t ok. They were great. One night after I had read a poem you wrote I told you, you could be a writer. But you told me you’d never do that, because you never had the time to write much. I knew it was a lie. But I said nothing. You could do whatever you wanted in you life. I smiled at the memory. You looked as if you wanted to say something, but I beat you to it. "We can’t do it. This is only a dream. If we did that…" I said and stopped. I knew you weren’t going to remember this but it didn’t hurt to try. "If we did that it would only hurt you. Because this is. .There is nothing to read, nothing at all in my cell except for the blanket that covered me for the night, a small towel, soap, toothbrush and toothpaste. There's a razor and shaving cream too, which I had thought was just for my pussy, and an electric razor to use on my head. I lay in bed for a while thinking. Thinking about how natural this all seems to me now, how easily I seem to have fallen in to the routine here, how easy it's been to submerge myself in the rules and the rituals. Why couldn't Joe and I do any of this? Why couldn't we even talk about this? He always seemed kind, maybe just a bit preoccupied with work, but somehow whenever I tried to bring up the subject he'd fend it away. Even in bed, if I tried to get him to take a more dominant role, he seemed to shy away from it. It wasn't ever that he said he disapproved, more that he couldn't see how it related to him and me. Was it his fault? Was it mine? I don't know and I don't feel I'm getting any closer to that here.I.
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